Movie La Talk

Hiya guys, just wanna share some thoughts now.

Movies, well everybody loves movies (including me), my favorite is horror movies. I found it interesting, I don't know maybe for some people it scary as hell but for me it's interesting even though I am such a scaredy cat sometimes. For example, when I'm not feeling well, all I wanna do is watch some ghosts flying around or killing people at some point (irrational though). That's what I thought...

But...

Did you know that movie can be a good starter to make a relationship, social link or whatever. For instance, someone spill that he/she/whatever loves fantasy genre movies and then suddenly someone said "oh have  ever watch...bla...bla...bla" yep that's how it start. And then the conversation will never stop unless someone cut the crap and got bored. Or another example if you're on the move to be closed with someone you just take him/her/it to the movies and then...you know, suddenly he/she/it understand where it goes. Interesting isn't? Well, at least for me it is.

But, a movies sometimes can be representative of our feeling. INSTANCE. You're broken heart, someone just left you with your heart pieces that looks like crap and then you suddenly want to watch The Notebook, then you will just cry all the time until the movie ends. Well, at least it happen for gals. For me? Since I never feel broken heart (by a lovers) I simply just watch horror movies but that doesn't mean I'm hurt. I am heartless.

So, I love movies. Especially horror. (But lately I love classics)

Note, it feels weird when you see your own writing on some cool magazine. Is it?

Xo

Turn Off

Death, everybody scared of death. It's funny though, why did they scared? Death is friendly, it removes all the pain in this life. All of them. Being dead is cold and dark. It comfortable, at least for me. I like being dead, being insensitive and all, I don't have to care about every shit that been going on around me, people won't notice anyway.

Sometimes I always pray to God to turn off my heart, so the sun. But then I realize it's a ridiculous prayers. I just don't wanna feel hurt anymore, I can't actually. Sometimes I cut my hand with a scissor or something sharp, I didn't feel anything. Am I dead? Not yet I guess, even in rain my tears won't stop coming. I also always think, "what the hell is wrong with me", then my other self answer "whatever, just live on". Can actually a walking dead boy live? Doubt it.

I don't know why my feelings are gone, I might be pretend to laugh and all but deep inside there is nothing. No flowers, sun or wind or clouds, all deep inside is just a dark place, empty with no light at all. Maybe if a cut my arm a raining blood will fall, but no. Still, there is no pain at all.

How did I get here? Is it because of him? The that still haunted every single day, every time I breath, every blink I had. I am haunted. I missed him, but I can't. Bring him back to life just caused me pain and sorrow. He need to be killed and buried away. I give everything to him but that's that. No more.

Please, keep me dead like this. I don't wanna live...

XIII

In The Middle Of This Person, There's Still Human

Heartless, that's what I think I had inside of me or who I think I am, a heartless person. Well have you ever feel like you don't give a damn to every shits that happen in this universe? Well, I always feel that way almost like all the time even I don't give a crap about my future, call me careless or whatever but I just really don't care. One thing that I believe is God already "blueprinting" my whole life, well as long as I try first I won't regret it, never.

But here's the thing, even I stop caring about things I probably still sensitive for every inches that happen in my life, for example I still feel annoyed when two people start whispering at each other without realizing that I am there with them and then those people are just kept going and its's like they just covering me up but my ass. Totally not cool, then I do that to someone and what do I got? That person is like angry angry, I hate it tough when I have to be so careful with other people's feeling but then at the same time they don't give a crap about mine but guess what? I don't care about that, I won't take any credits from that, I always thought "whatever bitchess".

Sometimes I don't get people, I mean they get panic about certain things even unimportant stuffs, I mean chill up a little bit would ya? Well, things happen you just need to stop worrying. I do panic like a lot, I used to but then my mum teach me not to worry with material things because in the end they will just crushed in the doomsday. I am not religious but I don believe in things like that.

Well, everyone told me that I am too "relaxed" in this life, for example I haven't finished my homework and I ran late at the class and hey I still can smile. See? I don't care. I am gonna die anyway. I know that maybe some of you think that my way of life right now is so so bad, but whatever dudes.

The point is even I am careless, heartless, or even I smile, laughing, or whatever I still can feel hurt. But I bet you guys won't even realize it, because I smart hiding everything. Including your secrets, even if you don't know it...

Xo

Camouflage..

I've asked my friends, "It's been two weeks that my heart is shattered, can you believe it?" well they simply said no, because I don't look like a brokenhearted person and they said then you put a good act in that. Well, I simply deny my broken heart and keep moving on but then at some point I sit down at the corner of my room listening to some sad musics then I realize that my heart is broken and it still is. I want to deny it but it seems like it keep reaching me out, calling me so that I will embrace it.

It's October and it's a little bit rainy here, the other day I was run in the big rain then I don't know my eyes feels so warm, my lip feel so numb, my heart beating so fast, and I keep running in the rain. Then I stop at a little road where no ones there, I walk so slow in the rain, somehow it feels hurt and I can't forgive that "ghost". That person keep broke my heart like it's a Lego, once it break you can easily put it back together. No, it's not like that.

God, I'm broken. Please help me. Everything seems so bad right now, my dream have been crushed then I build it up again then you destroy it again for the million times. I just want you to know that it hurt but somehow you don't want to understand, I finally start to feel like what we have is real, then again it's just a fairy tale. And fairy tale didn't exist, it's only in books, dreams and child dreams.

I even go to this city, just because I want to stay away from you but then you follow me here, you always showing up in my face.

The thing is, I don't want to show my sorrow to his painful yet disgusting world, I need to keep strong so that I can survive.

My heart is broken is not because of you, maybe it's because my love for you...

And I will now hiding from you...

#Xo

#STAYSTRONG

God, I'm Broken...

What I am feeling lately is that all my body aching, it goes trough my heart. It seems like every single thing that I don't like can snapped me in a blink. He don't even realize that what he did to me is hurt, it still linger. It already healed by time but then he come again. They come again.

I wish I can stop the time, I am too scared, what-ifs always poping up on my mind. God, I'm scared. I want someone to help me but I don't even know what kind of help they can give? I always look up to myself in the mirror then I thought "Damn, you're screwing up with them again." I am trying to stop, or maybe I was but the feeling is so strong. I can't deny it, or I won't.

God, I kept waiting him. I'm getting tired, the only thing that he can do is destroy me. I knew. But I keep waiting, again and again. How far do I have to run chasing him this time? Or maybe I should stop. He is so far. I keep thinking that he just go for a moment but then the part of me believe that he's already gone and will never come back no matter how hard I try. I am alone right now.

Somebody help me...

#EFEC

Take A Chance, Make A Change and Be A Pride.

That's what we are, I can say 'we' because I am now part of them. Well, I think some of you already know what I'm talking about. Economic Faculty English Club (EFEC), yep you read it right. How can I said so? Well, because I finally can fit in in a place where I can be my self without feeling afraid or whatever.

When I was in my freshmen year I saw EFEC achievements in UKM Expo of OKFE 2012, I was trembling because I saw a lot of achievements for something so young, that's not a miracle that's a value. Then, I joined theirs events such as Soldiers 12, E-Detect 2012, Evag until I become one of them.

At the first time I start to feel that I am not belong in here because I am too small for something so big, there are a lot of interesting person here, well they made me. I am not who I am right now without them, they helped me a lot on growing with people, I used to so afraid for becoming so close to someone because actually I scared that they will hurt me. Well, I'm a lonely boy, it suit me, it love me but then amazing people came into my life and change everything.

I finally can say that I am not alone anymore, actually for someone like me to be in this UKM is such a miracle, I don't know why but somehow I get along with them.

Oh by the way, I'm in Talent Department, bet fyi I don't have any talent, I am not a story teller, or a newscaster, or a speech expert or a debater, I'm just happen to be someone who loves English so much but yet I'm here now.

People think that EFEC is so exclusive or whatever, well I used to think so but you know people is people, they talk, most of them are bad talk. But even when they said so, we still can shine so bright and we still soaring proudly, fearless...

When I was at the 2nd GSM someone asked me who made me like this, then I will answer here. It's all of you who made me like this, each one of you who made me like this because all of you have your own unique-ness and I've learned a lot.

I post this because I want to say a lot by writing so short for EFEC, I don't have time to talk to each one of the organizers to say thank you, so when you guys read this I want to say thank you so much from my deeply heart, maybe for you this is "alay" or whatever but for me being with you guys is such a best thing in my life.

So I hope I will be in this amazing UKM next year. For now, I have to focus on Soldiers 2013 and another event (sigh....).

Thank you!

Xo

Been There!

Yesterday, when I was on airing on Efec On Air, I spilled that I ever get bully, and it turns out my friends were shocked and the topic was off the rail for a minute or five. Well that's true I ever get bullied in the past for almost my entire elementary, people hard to notice seeing because the knew who I am right now, but trust me, everybody has their own past and it's dark, so did I. And I am gonna tell you this because I feels like I have to, I always heard that people get bullied everyday, everywhere, so I really hope that they read this and they will realize that they're not alone! (I actually didn't remember all of them) :-p

When I was at the elementary, my lives been hell, people threw dirty words at me, they said that I was like a girl (faggot or something like that), it hurts a lot because there are a lot of people threw that words at me. At that time I don't get it why did they said that to me, I actually didn't tell my mum, I don't know why either, but she found out eventually from people talks, yea they talk. I was so scared at that time, I should, I mean how can I not to? There's even someone throw a volleyball on my head while I was sat at the side of the court, it hit me and my head hit the wall, I have to go home at the time, well guess it. No ones picked me or even take me home, I was on elementary age and I have to go trough that alone. No one wants to played with me,  I feels like I'm some kind of disease, everytime I tried to join the kids, they just start to mocking me and looked down on me. It hurt. I spend my days in my bedroom with no friends at all, I always watching them play in the playground, they notice me but they never asked me to join them even when I smiled at them. When I want to cry at the school I simply just go to the toilet and cry, well it's not actually cry, just one or two tears then I went out with a smile in my face.

There was this time that I tried to suicide, I was in my bedroom, crying because I don't know what's wrong with my life, and I don't know why my friends did those things to me, well maybe they didn't meant to but the don't know that the memory of mock-ings, mean jokes are still on my head up until now. Well, back to the suicidal mission, I strapped my neck with a leather belt, I tried to pull it so strong then I heard my mum's sandal, spontaneously I got off the belt and throw it under the bed, when she came she saw me crying then I start to tell everything to her, I really want to move from that school but then my mum told me, if I moved that means they win, she told me to be a strong boy and  be fearless. Well, her words boost me up, I have reason to live, mum. She's my only reason to live in this world. Ever since that day I trying to not cry, even when someone kicked me with a ball, I tried not to cry because I want to show them that I am not  afraid of them, I have God and my mom with me. Oh yeah, ever wondered why they called me fag? Because I can't play soccer, or kite, or marbles or another boy's game, I can't play them because no ones teach me how to play them, yes my mum raised me by herself, she's a single parent and I don't have a dad to teach me how to be a boy, my mum is my figure maybe that's why my childhood enemies(?) called me fag. Days gone by, I finally get out from the elementary and start my juniors at the whole different level. To be continued?

The point is that, when you want to say mean things to people you'll have to think first, calling people stupid doesn't makes you smart, calling people ugly doesn't makes you beautiful. If you saw people with weird attitude, don't call them freak they're just being unique by their own way.

I will tell you more one day! Oh! I'm sorry to my fellow Efecs about yesterday because the on air turns out to be a "curhat" session for me. So sorry. Lol.

Thankfully, I survived

Xo