.............

So it's been like a silent blog, to be honest I am little lazy to post or whatever. But now, breakdown time.

First, I really appreciate that new years no a bummer for this time, last time? Shit happens, worst shit ever.

Second, I really planned well for this year like debate things and whole EFEC's thing but then Nicki Minaj's Starship lay on my head, struck down to my goddamn brain and stir everything like a shit. Exchange. I am not expected that, well I kinda pray for it on September and my prayer was like "If this is the right time, then let me be God." well this is His answer, I mean Dude, seriously? Anyway that's how He role in my life, in everybody life maybe. And then  lot of people start to asking me craps and some people said bad things like they know what's really going, I was cared about their shits but then I think whatever they just don't know what it feels like to be in my position so now I am enjoying God's answer.

For people who talked about me, I'd say is that your best? Give me your best shot bitches because maybe from now on I won't take shits like those anymore.

Oh back to my past-plan-for-2014, I got kicked from EFEC. Bummer. I was kinda upset because I really love the club but shit happen and now I know what it feels like to get fired. To be honest, I feels like a jerk but somehow I also feel that they stared me with you-are-so-guilty-stared. But then again, after few days trying to process the whole bizare thing I don't care I mean the EFEC-effect still on my mind but I have to let go. Well that's the different between someone like me and some people like ou, you trying to move on from someone? I am trying to move on from something that abstractly exist. Nerd allert. So I guess it's XOXO.

And I am officially break up with my gf. On December. Nuff said.

That's it my plan for this year, it's only one plan but I have so much idea. Now I am reconstructing my damn plan again.

The things is when I planned everything so well even when I'm already on that plan, there must be an invincible string that pulls out everything in this universe.

I take the lesson, I need to let go something or someone that I really love, I really care and I guess that's how life going. And after I'm out, I won't be seeing you again. So goodbye EFEC, I love you and last year was extravagant for me, I will never forget you (and everybody on you). :')

Xo

Movie La Talk

Hiya guys, just wanna share some thoughts now.

Movies, well everybody loves movies (including me), my favorite is horror movies. I found it interesting, I don't know maybe for some people it scary as hell but for me it's interesting even though I am such a scaredy cat sometimes. For example, when I'm not feeling well, all I wanna do is watch some ghosts flying around or killing people at some point (irrational though). That's what I thought...

But...

Did you know that movie can be a good starter to make a relationship, social link or whatever. For instance, someone spill that he/she/whatever loves fantasy genre movies and then suddenly someone said "oh have  ever watch...bla...bla...bla" yep that's how it start. And then the conversation will never stop unless someone cut the crap and got bored. Or another example if you're on the move to be closed with someone you just take him/her/it to the movies and then...you know, suddenly he/she/it understand where it goes. Interesting isn't? Well, at least for me it is.

But, a movies sometimes can be representative of our feeling. INSTANCE. You're broken heart, someone just left you with your heart pieces that looks like crap and then you suddenly want to watch The Notebook, then you will just cry all the time until the movie ends. Well, at least it happen for gals. For me? Since I never feel broken heart (by a lovers) I simply just watch horror movies but that doesn't mean I'm hurt. I am heartless.

So, I love movies. Especially horror. (But lately I love classics)

Note, it feels weird when you see your own writing on some cool magazine. Is it?

Xo

Turn Off

Death, everybody scared of death. It's funny though, why did they scared? Death is friendly, it removes all the pain in this life. All of them. Being dead is cold and dark. It comfortable, at least for me. I like being dead, being insensitive and all, I don't have to care about every shit that been going on around me, people won't notice anyway.

Sometimes I always pray to God to turn off my heart, so the sun. But then I realize it's a ridiculous prayers. I just don't wanna feel hurt anymore, I can't actually. Sometimes I cut my hand with a scissor or something sharp, I didn't feel anything. Am I dead? Not yet I guess, even in rain my tears won't stop coming. I also always think, "what the hell is wrong with me", then my other self answer "whatever, just live on". Can actually a walking dead boy live? Doubt it.

I don't know why my feelings are gone, I might be pretend to laugh and all but deep inside there is nothing. No flowers, sun or wind or clouds, all deep inside is just a dark place, empty with no light at all. Maybe if a cut my arm a raining blood will fall, but no. Still, there is no pain at all.

How did I get here? Is it because of him? The that still haunted every single day, every time I breath, every blink I had. I am haunted. I missed him, but I can't. Bring him back to life just caused me pain and sorrow. He need to be killed and buried away. I give everything to him but that's that. No more.

Please, keep me dead like this. I don't wanna live...

XIII

In The Middle Of This Person, There's Still Human

Heartless, that's what I think I had inside of me or who I think I am, a heartless person. Well have you ever feel like you don't give a damn to every shits that happen in this universe? Well, I always feel that way almost like all the time even I don't give a crap about my future, call me careless or whatever but I just really don't care. One thing that I believe is God already "blueprinting" my whole life, well as long as I try first I won't regret it, never.

But here's the thing, even I stop caring about things I probably still sensitive for every inches that happen in my life, for example I still feel annoyed when two people start whispering at each other without realizing that I am there with them and then those people are just kept going and its's like they just covering me up but my ass. Totally not cool, then I do that to someone and what do I got? That person is like angry angry, I hate it tough when I have to be so careful with other people's feeling but then at the same time they don't give a crap about mine but guess what? I don't care about that, I won't take any credits from that, I always thought "whatever bitchess".

Sometimes I don't get people, I mean they get panic about certain things even unimportant stuffs, I mean chill up a little bit would ya? Well, things happen you just need to stop worrying. I do panic like a lot, I used to but then my mum teach me not to worry with material things because in the end they will just crushed in the doomsday. I am not religious but I don believe in things like that.

Well, everyone told me that I am too "relaxed" in this life, for example I haven't finished my homework and I ran late at the class and hey I still can smile. See? I don't care. I am gonna die anyway. I know that maybe some of you think that my way of life right now is so so bad, but whatever dudes.

The point is even I am careless, heartless, or even I smile, laughing, or whatever I still can feel hurt. But I bet you guys won't even realize it, because I smart hiding everything. Including your secrets, even if you don't know it...

Xo

Camouflage..

I've asked my friends, "It's been two weeks that my heart is shattered, can you believe it?" well they simply said no, because I don't look like a brokenhearted person and they said then you put a good act in that. Well, I simply deny my broken heart and keep moving on but then at some point I sit down at the corner of my room listening to some sad musics then I realize that my heart is broken and it still is. I want to deny it but it seems like it keep reaching me out, calling me so that I will embrace it.

It's October and it's a little bit rainy here, the other day I was run in the big rain then I don't know my eyes feels so warm, my lip feel so numb, my heart beating so fast, and I keep running in the rain. Then I stop at a little road where no ones there, I walk so slow in the rain, somehow it feels hurt and I can't forgive that "ghost". That person keep broke my heart like it's a Lego, once it break you can easily put it back together. No, it's not like that.

God, I'm broken. Please help me. Everything seems so bad right now, my dream have been crushed then I build it up again then you destroy it again for the million times. I just want you to know that it hurt but somehow you don't want to understand, I finally start to feel like what we have is real, then again it's just a fairy tale. And fairy tale didn't exist, it's only in books, dreams and child dreams.

I even go to this city, just because I want to stay away from you but then you follow me here, you always showing up in my face.

The thing is, I don't want to show my sorrow to his painful yet disgusting world, I need to keep strong so that I can survive.

My heart is broken is not because of you, maybe it's because my love for you...

And I will now hiding from you...

#Xo

#STAYSTRONG

God, I'm Broken...

What I am feeling lately is that all my body aching, it goes trough my heart. It seems like every single thing that I don't like can snapped me in a blink. He don't even realize that what he did to me is hurt, it still linger. It already healed by time but then he come again. They come again.

I wish I can stop the time, I am too scared, what-ifs always poping up on my mind. God, I'm scared. I want someone to help me but I don't even know what kind of help they can give? I always look up to myself in the mirror then I thought "Damn, you're screwing up with them again." I am trying to stop, or maybe I was but the feeling is so strong. I can't deny it, or I won't.

God, I kept waiting him. I'm getting tired, the only thing that he can do is destroy me. I knew. But I keep waiting, again and again. How far do I have to run chasing him this time? Or maybe I should stop. He is so far. I keep thinking that he just go for a moment but then the part of me believe that he's already gone and will never come back no matter how hard I try. I am alone right now.

Somebody help me...

#EFEC

Take A Chance, Make A Change and Be A Pride.

That's what we are, I can say 'we' because I am now part of them. Well, I think some of you already know what I'm talking about. Economic Faculty English Club (EFEC), yep you read it right. How can I said so? Well, because I finally can fit in in a place where I can be my self without feeling afraid or whatever.

When I was in my freshmen year I saw EFEC achievements in UKM Expo of OKFE 2012, I was trembling because I saw a lot of achievements for something so young, that's not a miracle that's a value. Then, I joined theirs events such as Soldiers 12, E-Detect 2012, Evag until I become one of them.

At the first time I start to feel that I am not belong in here because I am too small for something so big, there are a lot of interesting person here, well they made me. I am not who I am right now without them, they helped me a lot on growing with people, I used to so afraid for becoming so close to someone because actually I scared that they will hurt me. Well, I'm a lonely boy, it suit me, it love me but then amazing people came into my life and change everything.

I finally can say that I am not alone anymore, actually for someone like me to be in this UKM is such a miracle, I don't know why but somehow I get along with them.

Oh by the way, I'm in Talent Department, bet fyi I don't have any talent, I am not a story teller, or a newscaster, or a speech expert or a debater, I'm just happen to be someone who loves English so much but yet I'm here now.

People think that EFEC is so exclusive or whatever, well I used to think so but you know people is people, they talk, most of them are bad talk. But even when they said so, we still can shine so bright and we still soaring proudly, fearless...

When I was at the 2nd GSM someone asked me who made me like this, then I will answer here. It's all of you who made me like this, each one of you who made me like this because all of you have your own unique-ness and I've learned a lot.

I post this because I want to say a lot by writing so short for EFEC, I don't have time to talk to each one of the organizers to say thank you, so when you guys read this I want to say thank you so much from my deeply heart, maybe for you this is "alay" or whatever but for me being with you guys is such a best thing in my life.

So I hope I will be in this amazing UKM next year. For now, I have to focus on Soldiers 2013 and another event (sigh....).

Thank you!

Xo