In The Middle Of This Person, There's Still Human

Heartless, that's what I think I had inside of me or who I think I am, a heartless person. Well have you ever feel like you don't give a damn to every shits that happen in this universe? Well, I always feel that way almost like all the time even I don't give a crap about my future, call me careless or whatever but I just really don't care. One thing that I believe is God already "blueprinting" my whole life, well as long as I try first I won't regret it, never.

But here's the thing, even I stop caring about things I probably still sensitive for every inches that happen in my life, for example I still feel annoyed when two people start whispering at each other without realizing that I am there with them and then those people are just kept going and its's like they just covering me up but my ass. Totally not cool, then I do that to someone and what do I got? That person is like angry angry, I hate it tough when I have to be so careful with other people's feeling but then at the same time they don't give a crap about mine but guess what? I don't care about that, I won't take any credits from that, I always thought "whatever bitchess".

Sometimes I don't get people, I mean they get panic about certain things even unimportant stuffs, I mean chill up a little bit would ya? Well, things happen you just need to stop worrying. I do panic like a lot, I used to but then my mum teach me not to worry with material things because in the end they will just crushed in the doomsday. I am not religious but I don believe in things like that.

Well, everyone told me that I am too "relaxed" in this life, for example I haven't finished my homework and I ran late at the class and hey I still can smile. See? I don't care. I am gonna die anyway. I know that maybe some of you think that my way of life right now is so so bad, but whatever dudes.

The point is even I am careless, heartless, or even I smile, laughing, or whatever I still can feel hurt. But I bet you guys won't even realize it, because I smart hiding everything. Including your secrets, even if you don't know it...

Xo

Camouflage..

I've asked my friends, "It's been two weeks that my heart is shattered, can you believe it?" well they simply said no, because I don't look like a brokenhearted person and they said then you put a good act in that. Well, I simply deny my broken heart and keep moving on but then at some point I sit down at the corner of my room listening to some sad musics then I realize that my heart is broken and it still is. I want to deny it but it seems like it keep reaching me out, calling me so that I will embrace it.

It's October and it's a little bit rainy here, the other day I was run in the big rain then I don't know my eyes feels so warm, my lip feel so numb, my heart beating so fast, and I keep running in the rain. Then I stop at a little road where no ones there, I walk so slow in the rain, somehow it feels hurt and I can't forgive that "ghost". That person keep broke my heart like it's a Lego, once it break you can easily put it back together. No, it's not like that.

God, I'm broken. Please help me. Everything seems so bad right now, my dream have been crushed then I build it up again then you destroy it again for the million times. I just want you to know that it hurt but somehow you don't want to understand, I finally start to feel like what we have is real, then again it's just a fairy tale. And fairy tale didn't exist, it's only in books, dreams and child dreams.

I even go to this city, just because I want to stay away from you but then you follow me here, you always showing up in my face.

The thing is, I don't want to show my sorrow to his painful yet disgusting world, I need to keep strong so that I can survive.

My heart is broken is not because of you, maybe it's because my love for you...

And I will now hiding from you...

#Xo

#STAYSTRONG

God, I'm Broken...

What I am feeling lately is that all my body aching, it goes trough my heart. It seems like every single thing that I don't like can snapped me in a blink. He don't even realize that what he did to me is hurt, it still linger. It already healed by time but then he come again. They come again.

I wish I can stop the time, I am too scared, what-ifs always poping up on my mind. God, I'm scared. I want someone to help me but I don't even know what kind of help they can give? I always look up to myself in the mirror then I thought "Damn, you're screwing up with them again." I am trying to stop, or maybe I was but the feeling is so strong. I can't deny it, or I won't.

God, I kept waiting him. I'm getting tired, the only thing that he can do is destroy me. I knew. But I keep waiting, again and again. How far do I have to run chasing him this time? Or maybe I should stop. He is so far. I keep thinking that he just go for a moment but then the part of me believe that he's already gone and will never come back no matter how hard I try. I am alone right now.

Somebody help me...