Movie La Talk

Hiya guys, just wanna share some thoughts now.

Movies, well everybody loves movies (including me), my favorite is horror movies. I found it interesting, I don't know maybe for some people it scary as hell but for me it's interesting even though I am such a scaredy cat sometimes. For example, when I'm not feeling well, all I wanna do is watch some ghosts flying around or killing people at some point (irrational though). That's what I thought...

But...

Did you know that movie can be a good starter to make a relationship, social link or whatever. For instance, someone spill that he/she/whatever loves fantasy genre movies and then suddenly someone said "oh have  ever watch...bla...bla...bla" yep that's how it start. And then the conversation will never stop unless someone cut the crap and got bored. Or another example if you're on the move to be closed with someone you just take him/her/it to the movies and then...you know, suddenly he/she/it understand where it goes. Interesting isn't? Well, at least for me it is.

But, a movies sometimes can be representative of our feeling. INSTANCE. You're broken heart, someone just left you with your heart pieces that looks like crap and then you suddenly want to watch The Notebook, then you will just cry all the time until the movie ends. Well, at least it happen for gals. For me? Since I never feel broken heart (by a lovers) I simply just watch horror movies but that doesn't mean I'm hurt. I am heartless.

So, I love movies. Especially horror. (But lately I love classics)

Note, it feels weird when you see your own writing on some cool magazine. Is it?

Xo

Turn Off

Death, everybody scared of death. It's funny though, why did they scared? Death is friendly, it removes all the pain in this life. All of them. Being dead is cold and dark. It comfortable, at least for me. I like being dead, being insensitive and all, I don't have to care about every shit that been going on around me, people won't notice anyway.

Sometimes I always pray to God to turn off my heart, so the sun. But then I realize it's a ridiculous prayers. I just don't wanna feel hurt anymore, I can't actually. Sometimes I cut my hand with a scissor or something sharp, I didn't feel anything. Am I dead? Not yet I guess, even in rain my tears won't stop coming. I also always think, "what the hell is wrong with me", then my other self answer "whatever, just live on". Can actually a walking dead boy live? Doubt it.

I don't know why my feelings are gone, I might be pretend to laugh and all but deep inside there is nothing. No flowers, sun or wind or clouds, all deep inside is just a dark place, empty with no light at all. Maybe if a cut my arm a raining blood will fall, but no. Still, there is no pain at all.

How did I get here? Is it because of him? The that still haunted every single day, every time I breath, every blink I had. I am haunted. I missed him, but I can't. Bring him back to life just caused me pain and sorrow. He need to be killed and buried away. I give everything to him but that's that. No more.

Please, keep me dead like this. I don't wanna live...

XIII

In The Middle Of This Person, There's Still Human

Heartless, that's what I think I had inside of me or who I think I am, a heartless person. Well have you ever feel like you don't give a damn to every shits that happen in this universe? Well, I always feel that way almost like all the time even I don't give a crap about my future, call me careless or whatever but I just really don't care. One thing that I believe is God already "blueprinting" my whole life, well as long as I try first I won't regret it, never.

But here's the thing, even I stop caring about things I probably still sensitive for every inches that happen in my life, for example I still feel annoyed when two people start whispering at each other without realizing that I am there with them and then those people are just kept going and its's like they just covering me up but my ass. Totally not cool, then I do that to someone and what do I got? That person is like angry angry, I hate it tough when I have to be so careful with other people's feeling but then at the same time they don't give a crap about mine but guess what? I don't care about that, I won't take any credits from that, I always thought "whatever bitchess".

Sometimes I don't get people, I mean they get panic about certain things even unimportant stuffs, I mean chill up a little bit would ya? Well, things happen you just need to stop worrying. I do panic like a lot, I used to but then my mum teach me not to worry with material things because in the end they will just crushed in the doomsday. I am not religious but I don believe in things like that.

Well, everyone told me that I am too "relaxed" in this life, for example I haven't finished my homework and I ran late at the class and hey I still can smile. See? I don't care. I am gonna die anyway. I know that maybe some of you think that my way of life right now is so so bad, but whatever dudes.

The point is even I am careless, heartless, or even I smile, laughing, or whatever I still can feel hurt. But I bet you guys won't even realize it, because I smart hiding everything. Including your secrets, even if you don't know it...

Xo

Camouflage..

I've asked my friends, "It's been two weeks that my heart is shattered, can you believe it?" well they simply said no, because I don't look like a brokenhearted person and they said then you put a good act in that. Well, I simply deny my broken heart and keep moving on but then at some point I sit down at the corner of my room listening to some sad musics then I realize that my heart is broken and it still is. I want to deny it but it seems like it keep reaching me out, calling me so that I will embrace it.

It's October and it's a little bit rainy here, the other day I was run in the big rain then I don't know my eyes feels so warm, my lip feel so numb, my heart beating so fast, and I keep running in the rain. Then I stop at a little road where no ones there, I walk so slow in the rain, somehow it feels hurt and I can't forgive that "ghost". That person keep broke my heart like it's a Lego, once it break you can easily put it back together. No, it's not like that.

God, I'm broken. Please help me. Everything seems so bad right now, my dream have been crushed then I build it up again then you destroy it again for the million times. I just want you to know that it hurt but somehow you don't want to understand, I finally start to feel like what we have is real, then again it's just a fairy tale. And fairy tale didn't exist, it's only in books, dreams and child dreams.

I even go to this city, just because I want to stay away from you but then you follow me here, you always showing up in my face.

The thing is, I don't want to show my sorrow to his painful yet disgusting world, I need to keep strong so that I can survive.

My heart is broken is not because of you, maybe it's because my love for you...

And I will now hiding from you...

#Xo

#STAYSTRONG

God, I'm Broken...

What I am feeling lately is that all my body aching, it goes trough my heart. It seems like every single thing that I don't like can snapped me in a blink. He don't even realize that what he did to me is hurt, it still linger. It already healed by time but then he come again. They come again.

I wish I can stop the time, I am too scared, what-ifs always poping up on my mind. God, I'm scared. I want someone to help me but I don't even know what kind of help they can give? I always look up to myself in the mirror then I thought "Damn, you're screwing up with them again." I am trying to stop, or maybe I was but the feeling is so strong. I can't deny it, or I won't.

God, I kept waiting him. I'm getting tired, the only thing that he can do is destroy me. I knew. But I keep waiting, again and again. How far do I have to run chasing him this time? Or maybe I should stop. He is so far. I keep thinking that he just go for a moment but then the part of me believe that he's already gone and will never come back no matter how hard I try. I am alone right now.

Somebody help me...

#EFEC

Take A Chance, Make A Change and Be A Pride.

That's what we are, I can say 'we' because I am now part of them. Well, I think some of you already know what I'm talking about. Economic Faculty English Club (EFEC), yep you read it right. How can I said so? Well, because I finally can fit in in a place where I can be my self without feeling afraid or whatever.

When I was in my freshmen year I saw EFEC achievements in UKM Expo of OKFE 2012, I was trembling because I saw a lot of achievements for something so young, that's not a miracle that's a value. Then, I joined theirs events such as Soldiers 12, E-Detect 2012, Evag until I become one of them.

At the first time I start to feel that I am not belong in here because I am too small for something so big, there are a lot of interesting person here, well they made me. I am not who I am right now without them, they helped me a lot on growing with people, I used to so afraid for becoming so close to someone because actually I scared that they will hurt me. Well, I'm a lonely boy, it suit me, it love me but then amazing people came into my life and change everything.

I finally can say that I am not alone anymore, actually for someone like me to be in this UKM is such a miracle, I don't know why but somehow I get along with them.

Oh by the way, I'm in Talent Department, bet fyi I don't have any talent, I am not a story teller, or a newscaster, or a speech expert or a debater, I'm just happen to be someone who loves English so much but yet I'm here now.

People think that EFEC is so exclusive or whatever, well I used to think so but you know people is people, they talk, most of them are bad talk. But even when they said so, we still can shine so bright and we still soaring proudly, fearless...

When I was at the 2nd GSM someone asked me who made me like this, then I will answer here. It's all of you who made me like this, each one of you who made me like this because all of you have your own unique-ness and I've learned a lot.

I post this because I want to say a lot by writing so short for EFEC, I don't have time to talk to each one of the organizers to say thank you, so when you guys read this I want to say thank you so much from my deeply heart, maybe for you this is "alay" or whatever but for me being with you guys is such a best thing in my life.

So I hope I will be in this amazing UKM next year. For now, I have to focus on Soldiers 2013 and another event (sigh....).

Thank you!

Xo

Been There!

Yesterday, when I was on airing on Efec On Air, I spilled that I ever get bully, and it turns out my friends were shocked and the topic was off the rail for a minute or five. Well that's true I ever get bullied in the past for almost my entire elementary, people hard to notice seeing because the knew who I am right now, but trust me, everybody has their own past and it's dark, so did I. And I am gonna tell you this because I feels like I have to, I always heard that people get bullied everyday, everywhere, so I really hope that they read this and they will realize that they're not alone! (I actually didn't remember all of them) :-p

When I was at the elementary, my lives been hell, people threw dirty words at me, they said that I was like a girl (faggot or something like that), it hurts a lot because there are a lot of people threw that words at me. At that time I don't get it why did they said that to me, I actually didn't tell my mum, I don't know why either, but she found out eventually from people talks, yea they talk. I was so scared at that time, I should, I mean how can I not to? There's even someone throw a volleyball on my head while I was sat at the side of the court, it hit me and my head hit the wall, I have to go home at the time, well guess it. No ones picked me or even take me home, I was on elementary age and I have to go trough that alone. No one wants to played with me,  I feels like I'm some kind of disease, everytime I tried to join the kids, they just start to mocking me and looked down on me. It hurt. I spend my days in my bedroom with no friends at all, I always watching them play in the playground, they notice me but they never asked me to join them even when I smiled at them. When I want to cry at the school I simply just go to the toilet and cry, well it's not actually cry, just one or two tears then I went out with a smile in my face.

There was this time that I tried to suicide, I was in my bedroom, crying because I don't know what's wrong with my life, and I don't know why my friends did those things to me, well maybe they didn't meant to but the don't know that the memory of mock-ings, mean jokes are still on my head up until now. Well, back to the suicidal mission, I strapped my neck with a leather belt, I tried to pull it so strong then I heard my mum's sandal, spontaneously I got off the belt and throw it under the bed, when she came she saw me crying then I start to tell everything to her, I really want to move from that school but then my mum told me, if I moved that means they win, she told me to be a strong boy and  be fearless. Well, her words boost me up, I have reason to live, mum. She's my only reason to live in this world. Ever since that day I trying to not cry, even when someone kicked me with a ball, I tried not to cry because I want to show them that I am not  afraid of them, I have God and my mom with me. Oh yeah, ever wondered why they called me fag? Because I can't play soccer, or kite, or marbles or another boy's game, I can't play them because no ones teach me how to play them, yes my mum raised me by herself, she's a single parent and I don't have a dad to teach me how to be a boy, my mum is my figure maybe that's why my childhood enemies(?) called me fag. Days gone by, I finally get out from the elementary and start my juniors at the whole different level. To be continued?

The point is that, when you want to say mean things to people you'll have to think first, calling people stupid doesn't makes you smart, calling people ugly doesn't makes you beautiful. If you saw people with weird attitude, don't call them freak they're just being unique by their own way.

I will tell you more one day! Oh! I'm sorry to my fellow Efecs about yesterday because the on air turns out to be a "curhat" session for me. So sorry. Lol.

Thankfully, I survived

Xo

25-Me!

Okay, I am gonna share facts about me! Why did I do this? Well most of it caused by boredom. Lol. So enjoy people, but please don't judge like a breakfast club. Off we go!

1. I ever eat a big bucket of KFC chickens all alone in less an hour, shame? No! I think that one is achievement, and trust I ended up like a trash but still, my body isn't get big.
2. I always say "bitch" in front of people back in my hometown because I was so sure that they don't understand what I mean.
3. I love to turn off my bedroom in the night and sleep with a candle only.
4. I love darkness, I don't know why.
5. I ever get bullied....a lot.
6. My great fear is "banci", everytime I saw them or even heard their voice I always shivering.
7. I have a gay friend, not gonna say the name. But, hey! that doesn't mean I'm gay. Lay off!
8. I enjoy an long distance relationship, not that I can cheat on her it's just feel mature.
9. Talking about mature, I ever date a girl that older than me, and I totally love it.
10. I used to be an emo guy that people probably won't believe it, wait...I think I still am.
11. I can play two cards at the same time, well you know what it means.
12. I knows about a lot of secrets but I'm just not too interested to share it with people.
13. I never say hello to people when we met because I was too shy, I am a shy person.
14. It's hard for me to fall in love, once I fall in I will always love that person.
15. I'm a mama boy, all my life I've been with my mum because I don't have a dad figure.
16. Talking about mum, she's a great single parent.
17. I never hate people, even if they annoyed me so much, if I say I hate you I don't really mean it,
18. I can't get angry, no matter how you tried to make me upset I can't angry.
19. I am a sensitive guy.
20. I love taking pictures when people cheating (for example in exam) well in fact I ever take a picture every single person in my class when I was in high school, I caught them cheating and I upload it or if I'm not in the mood, I show it to the school board.
21. I love to drink my own blood, sometimes I sip it from my hand.
22. I love Sailor Moon, when I was a child my sister plays as a pirate and I insist to becoming Usagi, well and I end up falling from the chair because the fake bunny hair that made from cloth is too long and I got trampled because of it.
23. I often "toothless" when I was a kid because I always ride a tricycle from the stairs, you know how it is.
24. Me and my cousin used to peeing from the pipe on the rooftop then one of us stay at the end of the pipe and shout "It's coming! It's draining! Now my turn." and then he just ran up to the rooftop and do the same thing.
25. I used to faked call a restaurant and order a lot of good foods to home because I am bored and hungry, since my mum is busy...

Well, that things about me. See you on another post!

xo

OMFG The Guy Next Door Is Gay...!?

Hold on that thought! I am not homophobic, I agree with equal relationship but that doesn't mean I'm a gay ok? It's just like I am an animal lover and let's just say I against animal abusing but that doesn't mean I'm an animal right? RIGHT? Even sometimes I think that  am a cat. Lol.

Cut the crap! Recently, I've got a new neighbor in my dorm, since my dormitory is for boys so it's a he. Well at the first I didn't notice because I like "I don't care" but he got my nerve a couple days ago. So here's the story, I was gonna fall asleep and then that person knocked the door rapidly like it was something urgent, then I opened the door with my eyes still blurry (and head hurts) and I asked him "What's up?" then he said "Sleep already?" and I said "Yes I was going to" the he just rushed into my bedroom like I am welcoming him, I was surprised and scared at the same time, he got in and he took my pillow and laying on the mat, I am already freaked out at that time, I got mad, then I listened to a music very loudly because I don't wanna hear he talking or mumbling or whatever, then I look up at him, he just grabbed my 3DS XL and played it without my permission, I didn't have guts to kick him from my bedroom so I just take it from his hand, then he stand up and start to exploring my bookcase, he got my nerve then I said "I'm going to sleep, can you get out from my bedroom?" then he said sorry and leave. A few minutes later a send him a text to not coming to my bedroom like that again because it was rude and inappropriate then he reply "I'm sorry I won't do that again, considered it was my last visit" then I said ok then he replied "I just want you to know that I care about you?" That's the creep part, what the hell is that supposed to mean? He suddenly knows my birthday and he said "Is it because of our age is too different?" Wow.

Well, am I being too paranoid? Or my guess is right that he is gay?

Once again, I am not a homophobe.

Screw Up

Have you ever in a position where everything you touch are falling apart? Well, I certainly have, and a lot. I just don't know why, I always like this makes thing worst and screwing. Every time I walk I have to be careful, watch the surrounding, am I gonna hit something? Someone? Well, probably I am the only who gets hurt in the end, always like that and it's suck. God always show me His way differently and....unique and also painful.

I feels like I am in a free fall, no one catch me, no wings to help me, all I do just close mu eyes and hope for the best. Yes, that's my life, hanging around between reality and dreams, but when I bounce, I bounced so high and when I crash well I fell so badly, I can't get up if there is no one help me otherwise I will just end up in denial. I always denying that I'm wrong, that I am not smart, that....life is never be easy it's just get harder and harder. I don't know, I feels like a shit.

Is it nightmare? If it is, someone better wake me up, I don't wanna get trapped on an eternal slumber. When I screwing up things, I always say to myself that I will not do that again but then I'm ending up in the same position, I think I don't deserve to live like this, I mean live in the crowd where people come and go watching me screwing around and then they just come to me and said "Cheer up" or "You can do it" well, easy to say but they only know me from the outside, they don't know the detail, every details for whats going on in my life.

I'm away from home, it's 6 hours on the road. And when things like this happen I just wanna talk to my mum and spill everything on my mind, on my feeling and it's always feels good for, but then I realize I'm here in Purwokerto, a different state. It's hurt though, but what to do? It's not like I can open my bag and pull out the magic door then I open it and say hello to my mum and share every shits that happen here. That's what I call a fantasy. Sometimes I woke up at the midnight and then I staring into my mum's picture, taking a deep breath and hug the picture, close my eyes but I never go to sleep again, because it's too painful to close my eyes and back to dreamland. I even think that maybe I have to take some sleep pills but that's not the answer, the answer lies in my heart not in some medicine.

And after that, I woke up at the morning and start to think "What am I gonna do today?" well all I can think about that I'm going to run away, far where no one can find me, maybe drifting in the ocean? And probably I will end up washed at the shore and they put me in a body bag.

That's what I feel when I screw up.

But here's the bright side, I always think that I only live in this world for a very very short time, so why bother this stuffs if you're gonna be in an eternal life? The most important is that I live in this world to worship Allah SWT, not to get mad or sad by some world stuffs, all I have to do is that convince God so that I can be with my mum in Heaven, even I know that I don't worth it, I'm too dirty for a holy place like that, but well things change, people change, so am I, I can be better than today, I always believe that, even if I screwing up million times world will still like this and I cannot fix for whats happen in the past, all I can do right now is say a lot of prayers to Allah, do the best in my life for every single thing and then stop messing up with stuffs around me.

If you ever in my position, you have to know that chances are million, and you can change!

I will, I have to, will you?

:)

Xoxo

Being Extremely Introvert

Well, this I suddenly want to start blogging again, but for now I want to share with who ever you are read this. This time I'm gonna tell you my extreme introvert side. Do you know introvert? Well, it's kind of habitual where you always all alone, closed self, not close with anyone, and maybe some people call it autism (ouch) and that's true. But for me, extremely introvert is a gift. Why? Just keep reading.
When I was a little boy, people used to mocked me, let's say that I was a bullied victim. It's like they throw everything at you to take you down and unfortunately there's no one in your side, means you're just alone. Me Vs The World. Yea, I admit it that I was bullied but that's not a bad thing (for me). Having bad memories when you're child usually a bad thing, but as for me. I thanked for that because I can feel to feel, you get it? I know what it feels like to be abandoned, I know what it feels like to be left out, and I know what it feels like to adapt with hurt. Tell you the truth, almost everyday they scratch my heart and dried out my tears but then I realize, what they did to me is only make me stronger than ever.
So it's clear why I'm such an extreme introvert, yea. I don't want to get hurt. That's my way to protect myself, I don't want people leave me and I don't want they can go to my life and then out like a snap. Being an extreme introvert also make my heart cold, I can't feel anything, I can't cry even if I want to. I don't know why, maybe people think that I'm a gay but I'm just not attracted to all creatures in this world. I don't even hate them. I just see them like a flat ice, same. Heartless is good because you'll not easily get hurt by people, you're just strong as a titanium. But actually, deep in my self, there's a little boy who just so fragile like a cheap tissue looking for something that he don't even know what is that.
The hard thing being an extreme introvert is that you can't express anything, people always get you wrong for what you say, for what you did, for what you express in front of them. So the only way to prevent those thing is just silence, zip my mouth. And I actually realize that I always pushed people from my life, I make a giant wall that won't even move, sometimes I hope I can crushed it down but I can't or....I just won't do that because I'm too coward to face this world.
Being extremely introvert is challenging...